A Day without Makeup

Broken has a daughter.

 I saw her like I had never seen anything before. I saw her with such clarity it frightened me. I sang “isn’t she lovely.” I looked at her. She was quiet. No noise. She had gray blue eyes. She had dark hair. She was intense. I was in awe. She was in me and now beside me and I saw her and nothing else.

She was so fragile. Glass. She could break so easily. I feared dropping her. Hurting her. I wanted to protect her. Suddenly 25 was too young to have a child. I wasn’t old enough or mature enough. Suddenly I was weak. Full of doubt. Who was I to be trusted with this daughter with gray blue eyes? This intense baby who stared. Broken had a daughter who was as physically fragile as broken was mentally fragile.

I would lay her down on the floor and put my head next to her and weep tears of appreciation. I admitted I created something wonderful but could not comprehend it. My body created her. This body that I blasted. This body that I bruised. This body I deemed unworthy. It created this intense baby. It created a feminine life. She, the female who would turn to me. I buried broken. Shoved it down. Did not talk about it. Yet, always thought about. It is amazing how long you can stay buried and broken. However, God has a purpose and when His purpose is only discovered through the broken. The broken will emerged. But for now, it stayed buried.

Intense is now in school. I love her. Her eyes have taken on the warm brown of her father’s. She is nothing like me. She has carved her way with attitude and might. She does not listen to “no”. She is smart, really smart. She is cunning and savvy. I did not give these to her. God knew. God knew I would not be able to so He put them in her Himself. I am convinced of it.

 I need do nothing to help her succeed. It is in her. She does not need me to comfort her. She will not tolerate dresses or bows. She will not brush her hair. I let it go. I am relieved. God simplified her needs. With the exception of one. Perfection. She needs perfection. I talk with her. I am trained in this. We go on. Intense continues to coast.

Intense gets older and so does the perfection. It won’t go away. I ask for advice, but don’t take it too serious.

Intense is in 3rd grade.

I wake up one night in a cold sweat. In less than two years she will be in 5^th grade. 5^th grade. That was when broken started for me. I stare into the dark. It has happened too fast. This passage of time. How do you make someone believe they are imperfectly perfect in less than two years?

How do you do it when you don’t believe it to be part of your truth?

This daughter of intensity. This daughter of cunning style. This daughter which I try so hard to bury the broken so she won’t see. How do I make her unbreakable?

 When God wants you to pursue something He makes it obvious. National Eating Disorder Month appeared on my calendar as I prepare my February work schedule. I stare at those words. They are me and it is an odd feeling. I don’t own the eating disorder yet. I don’t bless it. I try to make it no big deal. However, “no big deals” don’t need to be buried. The news starts to fill with stories of girls who go without makeup to show Beauty Redefined. I talk to young girls about self-love.  I start a lunch group….I lunch group that I don’t eat at. Moms respond with appreciation. I feel fake. I tell the girls love yourself, celebrate yourself. I yell to myself. I AM FAKE. Pretend Perfection. Pretend not hungry. Raw. Broken. Guilty. I cry over my perceived failure. Remember, crying is admittance. After the cry comes the voice. I ask myself what if……. What if I didn’t hide? Would I feel free? Would it open others to feel free? Broken hissed I would be made fun of, people would yell that I seek attention.

When God wants you to pursue something He will make it obvious. He kept at me. Everywhere I turned voices spoke of self-doubt, never enough, a choir of hurt. Girls needing something else. Esther breathed in me. “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14. She was saying to me: “Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created.” I take a deep breath and challenge, for the first time, broken.

I ask them. “Would you go without makeup?” “Would you come and sit in public with your daughter at lunch…… without makeup?” They did. These moms did. Something loosened inside of me. Emotions of warmth filled the broken.  They, those moms, those coworkers, went a day without makeup. Something fluttered inside.

That day, Intense sat with me, my mother, and my sister. All without makeup. We ate. I ate in front of moms and daughters. I ate God’s purpose. Broken gave way to a type of grace I had never known. Strength rose up from broken.  I knew broken was still there. I would still trip. In fact, I would trip so hard that I would fall and not get up for a few months………twice.  

But for that moment….that moment. The way to show Intense and the girls around her that they imperfectly perfect, was to show them a village of women, who took off their masks and redefined beauty for one day. For one group of girls.

 

To those moms, to those coworkers, to sister and mother, to all who supported A Day without Makeup- that was an instrumental moment for me. A stirring of something deeper to come. A hope that maybe I could extend out of my broken and find something more for others. I never truly conveyed how deep my appreciation went.

Thank you.