Questions

Why do I wear makeup? Is it okay that I don’t? Am I hiding my true face if I do? What will my daughter, Intense, think if I wear makeup? Should I ask her if she wants to wear makeup? Is 13 old enough? Should I let her ask me about makeup first?

Am I less because I wear over-sized sweat pants from 1994 to Wal-Mart? Am I a snob because I wear nice clothes to go grocery shopping in at Target?

Am I less because I have bigger thighs than her, but smaller thighs than her? Why do I care? Why do I still look at her when I say I don’t care? Am I fake?

Am I less because I eat gluten? Am I less because I ran three miles and she ran 5? Am I less because I didn't work out? Ate cheese, put sugar in my coffee? Does it make me more because I drink my organic tea straight?

Am I less because I order the nonfat mocha with whip?

Am I less because I get up at 6:00 and not 5:00? Am I less because I leave my family for an hour to work out while they sit at home and watch TV? Am I less because I ate pizza for dinner. Processed pizza and almost burnt?

Am I less because I want to wear something sexy? Does it mean I have low self-esteem…….. or high? Does it mean anything?

Am I a snob because I like big sunglasses and fancy coffee shops? Does it make me high maintenance? Should I try to be simple? Do guys realize that women worry about how they will be perceived? Wait, does worrying about that make me high maintenance?

Is it okay that I get emotional? I get loud mad? Am I less that I cry and get emotional when I talk about my story? Does it make me weak? Does it make me strong? Do others see vulnerability as credibility? Why do I care? Do I need to care? Am I judged because I have opened my heart up to others?

Am I selfish if I want time to myself? Does every woman need time to herself? Can I call myself a lady? Why do I want to call myself a lady?

Do I hide behind my hair? Does it make me low maintenance if I get my hair cut at Great Clips? Should I cut it somewhere fancy? What would the difference be? Wonder what the hair dressers think?

Did anyone just see me adjust my pants over my stomach as I sat down?

Is it okay to want expensive makeup and highlights if I am teaching girls to embrace who they are?  

How in the world does God still love me? How have I not reached my ration of grace yet?

Am I on my phone too much? Do the kids play too many video games?

Will I appear unintelligent if I ask her what the word she used said meant?

Is it acceptable to be a woman….lady…. that wants to make a lot of money? Should I be content with being a stay at home mom? Is it okay that sometimes…..a lot of times, I don’t want to play with my kids? Am I less because she enjoys motherhood more than I do at this moment? Is it okay that I am happy my children aren't babies anymore?

Is it okay I don’t craft? My kids birthday parties are store bought, are they missing out on something?

Is it okay I wait till the last minute to plan something? Is it okay that this weekend I didn't take my children on any adventures….accept to Wal-Mart?

Is it okay that we like to just play in the backyard instead of go, go, go? But sometimes the opposite is true, can I flip flop like that?

Is it okay that I raise my children with a cultured background? Is it okay that I do take them to plays and museums? Is it okay that one child may like the theatre more than sports?

Is it okay that I have wrinkles in places that she doesn't? Am I less because I have stretch marks where a child grew in my belly? Where others see it as a mark of motherhood? Is it okay if I don’t have stretch marks?

What the hell?

How can I stop the questions?

How do I teach Intense to not question?

Truth is I can’t. Questions are a part of life. The part that can unfortunately make us feel less and unfortunately can also make us feel more. So, now what?

 I can teach Intense to know herself second, after her Lord, but above the rest.

I can teach her how to identify her level of comfort. What it feels like when comfort and confidence come together. That combination of feeling is empowerment. That is where the phrase “I am enough” was created. That is where the answers wait for us.

But first. I must find my place where comfort and confidence meet and learn how to wear that feeling. Learn how to be empowered. When I find that place, I know what direction I need to grow in. I must also realize my place will not be her place and I must let her be empowered with the realization that she is not an extension of me. 

    Broken sat on the floor typing. Empty wine glass beside her, dishes in the sink, left over junk food from the football game fed her for dinner, kids eating sugar and up too late, only exercised for half an hour today. Broken had missed her meeting and she is balancing that guilt with the guilt of not having an evening at home with her family in two weeks and so tonight, her worth is being weighed. Broken’s daughter, Intense, doesn't understand why broken is so tense and moody. This makes Intense wonder what she has done wrong.

    Broken is weighed by her reality is tonight. Yesterday she carefully planned her week. Careful goal setting down to the minute. Right now, the 7:00-8:30 pm slot was supposed to go to the board meeting. Sick husband and kiddos superseded it. But the 3:30-4:00 running time went to drinking coffee and holding the boy in her lap. Broken wonders why she only feels worthy when she is living a regimented and scheduled life that involves eating Kale, working out for an hour a day, and marking everything off her to-do list. Why doesn't she feel worth when she is holding her son or choosing family over work?

    She realizes she self-fulfills. She calls herself broken. She doesn't like it. She refuses to capitalize it. What else should she expect, though? When you call yourself broken, you live up to that expectation. But……….what if she called herself…….. Blessed? Dare she? Would she be judged? Would they say she is righteous and still pretend perfect? Would they say she is egotistical? Would it matter?

    I call myself broken and I should not. I close my eyes and breathe. I remember my small voice and listen to it. It tells me to turn toward God. Song of Songs sings out “You are altogether beautiful, my darling, there is no flaw in you.” He who creates does not call me “broken” He calls me Beloved, Beautiful, His, Daughter. How dare I think I know better than He? Audacity courses through me. I dare to think I know myself better then He who created me? He, who knows every hair on my head. He, who has plans for me.

      If I change the broken to Bless, I change the question of my worthiness. I WANT Blessed. I capitalize it. Blessed means I let life unfold naturally. I do not fight the losing battle of trying to make life happen my way. I understand I cannot control everything. I let go of perfection. I let go of failure, anxiety, the size of my thighs. It means I accept Messy Monday. I accepted the imperfection that accompanies the start of the week. The things I cannot plan for. Strep throat, 5 hours of sleep, late night trips to the store for medicine, surprise company that smelled the stench of unwashed dishes. I accept it as part of life. Life that is Blessed. If I can glory in the imperfection, then I can fully love Him. I can fully love Him because I can fully appreciate every nuance of life. The perceived broken and the Blessed.

     Don’t you see? Oh, what a wonderful gift this is to receive! The knowledge that worth is not from accomplished to-do lists, long work outs with hundreds of burned calories, clean homes, Pinterest worthy dinners. I release the frustration of an imperfect evening and when I do I feel empowered. Every day I am faced with the question “What will I let go of today?” I am not a task master. I am a woman. A woman who loves her Lord and her family. I want to be known for living, true living moment to moment. I want to know my worth is constant in good times and bad.  Contradictory to my thoughts- my worth does not ebb and flow. My worth is always. ALWAYS! FOREVER! Oh, ladies it is always.

       No longer broken and without worth. But always Blessed and worthy. In fact, I am not the only Blessed. We are all the Blessed. Ladies, I take away your broken. I take it and present you Blessed. You are Blessed. When you doubt the Blessed you must remember Song of Songs 4:7. “You are altogether beautiful, my darling, there is no flaw in you.”

      Sing it, talk it, breathe it in you. Do you feel it filling in the dark crevasses? The warmth of His grace. It only stops when we refuse it. There is power in this realization. We stop our worth, we question our worth, not Him. Why would we dare stop it? Why not accept it, bathe in it, and share it. Worthy are you, His daughter who creates His daughters. You, who grows and cultivates strong girls whether they are from you or from another. Girls who will learn their worth from first watching you before she knows to turn to Him. We must show her first. We must show her how.

Blessed readjusts. Breathes in her worth and calls out to Intense “What did you let go of today?”