Questions

Why do I wear makeup? Is it okay that I don’t? Am I hiding my true face if I do? What will my daughter, Intense, think if I wear makeup? Should I ask her if she wants to wear makeup? Is 13 old enough? Should I let her ask me about makeup first?

Am I less because I wear over-sized sweat pants from 1994 to Wal-Mart? Am I a snob because I wear nice clothes to go grocery shopping in at Target?

Am I less because I have bigger thighs than her, but smaller thighs than her? Why do I care? Why do I still look at her when I say I don’t care? Am I fake?

Am I less because I eat gluten? Am I less because I ran three miles and she ran 5? Am I less because I didn't work out? Ate cheese, put sugar in my coffee? Does it make me more because I drink my organic tea straight?

Am I less because I order the nonfat mocha with whip?

Am I less because I get up at 6:00 and not 5:00? Am I less because I leave my family for an hour to work out while they sit at home and watch TV? Am I less because I ate pizza for dinner. Processed pizza and almost burnt?

Am I less because I want to wear something sexy? Does it mean I have low self-esteem…….. or high? Does it mean anything?

Am I a snob because I like big sunglasses and fancy coffee shops? Does it make me high maintenance? Should I try to be simple? Do guys realize that women worry about how they will be perceived? Wait, does worrying about that make me high maintenance?

Is it okay that I get emotional? I get loud mad? Am I less that I cry and get emotional when I talk about my story? Does it make me weak? Does it make me strong? Do others see vulnerability as credibility? Why do I care? Do I need to care? Am I judged because I have opened my heart up to others?

Am I selfish if I want time to myself? Does every woman need time to herself? Can I call myself a lady? Why do I want to call myself a lady?

Do I hide behind my hair? Does it make me low maintenance if I get my hair cut at Great Clips? Should I cut it somewhere fancy? What would the difference be? Wonder what the hair dressers think?

Did anyone just see me adjust my pants over my stomach as I sat down?

Is it okay to want expensive makeup and highlights if I am teaching girls to embrace who they are?  

How in the world does God still love me? How have I not reached my ration of grace yet?

Am I on my phone too much? Do the kids play too many video games?

Will I appear unintelligent if I ask her what the word she used said meant?

Is it acceptable to be a woman….lady…. that wants to make a lot of money? Should I be content with being a stay at home mom? Is it okay that sometimes…..a lot of times, I don’t want to play with my kids? Am I less because she enjoys motherhood more than I do at this moment? Is it okay that I am happy my children aren't babies anymore?

Is it okay I don’t craft? My kids birthday parties are store bought, are they missing out on something?

Is it okay I wait till the last minute to plan something? Is it okay that this weekend I didn't take my children on any adventures….accept to Wal-Mart?

Is it okay that we like to just play in the backyard instead of go, go, go? But sometimes the opposite is true, can I flip flop like that?

Is it okay that I raise my children with a cultured background? Is it okay that I do take them to plays and museums? Is it okay that one child may like the theatre more than sports?

Is it okay that I have wrinkles in places that she doesn't? Am I less because I have stretch marks where a child grew in my belly? Where others see it as a mark of motherhood? Is it okay if I don’t have stretch marks?

What the hell?

How can I stop the questions?

How do I teach Intense to not question?

Truth is I can’t. Questions are a part of life. The part that can unfortunately make us feel less and unfortunately can also make us feel more. So, now what?

 I can teach Intense to know herself second, after her Lord, but above the rest.

I can teach her how to identify her level of comfort. What it feels like when comfort and confidence come together. That combination of feeling is empowerment. That is where the phrase “I am enough” was created. That is where the answers wait for us.

But first. I must find my place where comfort and confidence meet and learn how to wear that feeling. Learn how to be empowered. When I find that place, I know what direction I need to grow in. I must also realize my place will not be her place and I must let her be empowered with the realization that she is not an extension of me.